


Talk Strong

by sandymg



Series: Talk Series [4]
Category: CW Network RPF, Supernatural RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-15
Updated: 2012-09-15
Packaged: 2017-11-14 07:25:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/512781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sandymg/pseuds/sandymg
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jared discovers some of Jensen's secrets.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Talk Strong

**Author's Note:**

> Part 4 of the Talk Verse
> 
> Disclaimer: This is fiction. No harm intended. No profit made.

Jared drops his messenger bag on the coffee table and the mail in the basket on the counter before grabbing a beer out of the fridge. Man, it’s been a long day. Chad comes out of his bedroom, hair wet. Must have just come out of the shower.

“J-man.”

“Hey.”

“Tutoring or bagging?”

Jared has taken on two jobs to pay for grad school in order to make up for quitting his sex phone job. Not that he’s regretting that decision, even if he hasn’t come close to making up the cash difference. But Chad is carrying them both and it just isn’t right. Jared swallows down that nagging feeling of failure.

“Grocery.” It’s not a bad job. He’d seen the notice on the bulletin board of the Coffee Break and jumped on it. The small specialty grocer in town was looking for basic help. He stocks shelves and sometimes he bags. On busy nights he runs the register as well. They offer a small employee discount but it doesn’t make much difference because their prices are higher than the big-name grocers. He’s able to occasionally bring home day-old bread and other items that are about to be chucked, though. Vegetables just slightly past their prime. Carefully trimmed and mixed into vegetable soup, you can’t really tell. It’s all the contributing that he’s able to do right now.

His phone rings just as he’s slugging down the last of his beer. He eyes the ID. _Jensen_.

“Hi Jen.”

Behind him Chad teases ‘Hi Jen’ while making kissy faces. Jared flips him off while taking the call to his bedroom. He settles back on the bed with an audible groan.

“J-Jared?”

“I’m sorry. Just got home. Kinda beat. But … “ Jared forces his voice peppier. “Better now cause you called.”

Jared imagines Jensen’s small grin. He still can’t quite get over how Jensen makes him feel. Walking into that coffee shop had been the biggest risk he’d ever taken. Because he knew Jensen didn’t want to meet yet. But Jared had been so curious. He’d never felt so connected to anyone before just by talking on the phone and exchanging a few emails. Never felt so _touched_ by anyone before. He wanted to surround Jensen and never let go. To protect him from assholes like Mitch who made him feel bad. From everyone who ever made him cry.

Not that Jensen admitted experiencing anything of the sort. But when it came to Jensen, Jared just _knew_ things.

“We’re still on for Saturday, right?” Jared asks. They’d agreed to go to the movies for their second date. Jared can’t wait to see him again. He can still feel the press of those dry, warm lips against his after he’d walked Jensen home last Friday night. Can still feel Jensen’s shudder as he gripped Jared’s bicep tight, like he was pulling Jared in and holding himself up at the same time. The way Jared’s heart expanded in his chest till he thought it might burst its way out. Jared’s never experienced a kiss like that. Hell, his first kiss in ninth grade had been far wetter and messier. This had been wisp soft and gentle enough to feel imagined. Except for the warmth that stayed in his chest and didn’t dissipate.

“Y-yes. If … you want to. I’d understand if you—“

“I want to.”

“Good. That’s good. Have you picked a movie?”

“Why don’t you decide.” He and Jensen have similar taste when it came to films, so Jared’s confident he’ll like whatever Jensen chooses. And he wants Jensen to steer this second date since Jared had pretty much dictated their first.

“Okay. I—I’ll look in the paper and pick something. Shall I surprise you?”

Now that is a delightful idea. Jared smiles broadly. “Yes. Do that. Please.”

“Did you work tonight?” Jensen asks.

“Yep. Just got home.”

“Oh. You must … you don’t—we can talk later. Or tomorrow. I don’t want to keep you from—“

“It’s okay. We can talk a little. I … I want to. Okay?”

He hears Jensen settling into a seat on his end and Jared’s lips curl up in a smile.

“I finished my assignment,” Jensen volunteers.

“Yeah?” Jensen can’t talk much about his work for the Defense Department. Jared knows he decrypts foreign communications. He understands that some of it relates to potential terrorist threats. Jensen said he wasn’t usually provided much more than the minimum necessary to do the assignment. Need to know and all that. Jared also knows that while Jensen enjoys his work, his passion is physics. Jensen thought he was hiding it but Jared heard the wistfulness when Jensen mentioned that he’d turned down a research fellowship at MIT, while explaining that his father had stressed how important the Defense Department work is.

Jared has yet to meet Jensen’s father. The old man had called during their first date and Jensen had lied about what he was doing. Said he was alone. That hurt. Thinking of this reminds Jared of what he is compared to Jensen. How until a month ago he was working a sex phone line just to get by. How he was barely scraping by even then. And now … This train of thought is getting him nowhere good.

Jensen is still talking. “Yeah, I can’t say much about it … but the team working on it before me got stumped and I … well, I worked it out.”

Jared can hear the pride bleeding through. Jensen is so humble most of the time. So when he does admit he did something good, it’s usually way beyond the norm. He’s so smart. Genius-level bright. _Out of your league_. Jared is working toward his Masters in Education. He’s not a sloucher. But nobody would ever confuse him for a genius. “That’s fantastic, buddy. Really. This is what you were working on for the past month?”

“L-longer,” Jensen stumbles out. “I think … well, I hope we’ll be able to stop—“

“Stop what?” Jared is truly curious now.

He hears Jensen sigh. “I’m sorry. I can’t say any more.”

“Jensen. Did you stop something bad from happening in the United States?” Jared knows how shaky his voice sounds but can’t help himself.

“No. It’s not that dramatic. Oh goodness ... I don’t want you to think ... It’s more financial. It’s just, well, some money might have gone where it … shouldn’t. We stopped that.”

Jared draws in a long breath. “I think I have to stop watching _24_.”

Jensen laughs. “Well, you do carry a Jack Sack.”

“Shut up.” But Jared laughs. “You do, too. I saw it at the Coffee Break.” Jared pauses. “Speaking of which, how’s Sally?”

“She … she asked me if I was going to see ‘that tall cappuccino’ again.”

Jared chuckles. He’s never been described as a coffee beverage before. “Was I foaming at the mouth or something?” he asks.

“What? No. You weren’t … you were—“

Jared chuckles louder. “I was kidding, Jen.” He calms himself. “What did you tell her?” he coaxes, delighted that Jensen’s been having conversations with someone other than Jared.

Jensen pauses. “Th-at we went out. Is that okay?”

“Of course it’s okay.” Jared feels a shiver of relief and realizes that he’s been worried that it wasn’t just Jensen’s father that Jensen wanted to keep in the dark about them. Maybe it was everyone.

“She must have wondered,” Jensen says softly.

“Wondered what? About us, you mean?”

Jensen lets out a soft snort. “About why someone like you would want to—“

“Stop! Don’t talk like that. I’m the lucky one.” Jared hadn’t quite meant his voice to come across that forceful. He can’t command Jensen to think differently. It doesn’t work that way.

It’s silent on the other end. It’s happened before. Jared pushes too hard sometimes and Jensen just … retreats.

“Jen, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have … it’s just that I hate when you put yourself down. If anyone should be grateful it’s me. You … you just don’t get how special you are.”

The silence continues but there’s something wrong in the way Jensen’s soft breath is sounding through the phone. Jared can’t figure out why. He can’t see Jensen and without the visual he feels a bit, well, blind.

“Yeah,” Jensen says finally, voice bitter. “Special. Been that way all my life. Jay … I … you should go get dinner or s-something. I’m going to go now.”

“Jen—“

“Bye, Jared.”

The click is imaginary. Phones don’t really do that anymore. They just go silent. But Jared hears it anyway. His heart stutters and his eyes sting and it’s bad.

It’s wrong.

It hurts.

He can’t stay still. Can’t let this go. He bursts out of the bedroom and grabs his jacket.

Chad notices his odd dash. “Jay?”

“I … I’m going over the Jensen’s.”

“He invited you over?” Chad is clearly surprised. He’s aware of how shy Jensen has been. Getting him to agree to a date at all was a huge achievement.

Jared hesitates. “No. He didn’t. It’s just. I want … I need to see him.”

“Dude, aren’t you seeing the geek Saturday? Just a couple of days. Don’t crowd him.”

“Don’t call him that,” Jared answers automatically. But then Jared runs his hand over his hair and the proverbial light bulb pops above his head. “Oh fuck. That’s it!”

“What’s it?”

“I pointed out how he was different. I did what everyone has done his whole fucking life. Only. I didn’t mean. I meant … “

“Slow down, Jay, what are you talking about?”

“Jensen is so skittish. I’ve told you that. Doesn’t get why anyone would want him. Doesn’t see how stupidly gorgeous he is. And I … I called him ‘special.’”

Chad winces slightly. His friend isn’t an idiot. He quickly tries to make Jared feel better. “Okay … maybe not the best choice of words but you didn’t mean ‘different’ … you meant hearts and flowers and all kinds of gay gooeyness. Surely he sees that?”

Jared knows Chad means well. Chad’s been his best friend since freshman year of college. Despite all the teasing he understands that Jensen is … not like anyone else. At least not to Jared.

“He’s been burned before Chad. He told me Friday that he’d tried dating before. Didn’t say much more but, God, his eyes … I know how sick guys can be. I helped them get off imagining all kinds of weirdo things. Some … just some dirty talk is all it took. Others liked me to play Dom. Order them to jerk off. Tell them when to come.” Jared forces himself to meet Chad’s slightly horrified stare. “And others, wanted to hurt me, make me submit. I remember one … “

“Jay, don’t—“

Jared ignores Chad, too lost in his own memories. “Only spoke to him once. Told ‘em after that I didn’t want him again. None of them got to me, you know. Not really. I mean, shit, I was here. Alone. Safe. It was a game. Easy money. But this guy was trying … he wanted more than my dick. He wanted to get in my head.” Jared stops because the thought of a predator like that getting his hands on someone as vulnerable as Jensen is doing very bad things to his insides.

The skittishness, the nerves, the shyness. These are words Jared has been using to cover up something he doesn’t want to face. Jensen is scared to let someone get close.

Chad stays quiet as Jared pulls his jacket on and turns to leave their apartment. “Maybe you should call instead … “ Chad says as Jared swings the door open.

Jared stops and turns to face his friend. “I have to see him. The phone’s not enough.”

* * *

Jared stares at Jensen’s door a ridiculously long time. Luckily nobody has called the cops on him yet for loitering outside of Jensen’s apartment like a runaway mutt. He’s scared that this will be the push too far. Scared that it won’t be enough. That he can’t be enough.

He knocks, curling his fingers into his sweaty palm.

There’s shuffling. A little flicker shows the peephole cover being moved aside. Nothing happens for an eternal heartbeat. Then the door swings open. “Jay? Are you … is everything okay?”

Jared takes in Jensen’s appearance. He’s in sweats and a tee-shirt. Both worn and soft looking. His hair is slightly mussed and he’s wearing his glasses. He’d worn his contacts for their date Friday. His freckles are glowing in the ambient light, a television is flickering quietly in the background. There’s no sound, Jensen has muted or paused it.

“I’m sorry,” Jared apologizes as Jensen’s brows furrow questioningly. “I made you feel bad. I … never want to do that.”

Jensen stares at him, eyes large behind his glasses. “How are you real?” he asks softly as he steps aside to let Jared enter.

Jared thinks he can ask the same thing. Because Jensen is the most beautiful man he’s ever seen.

Stepping inside, Jared pulls his eyes off Jensen long enough to look around. Wow. Jensen’s apartment is big. And gorgeous. Soft caramel walls and warm wood beneath his feet. The small entryway flows into a large open living/dining room, which opens to a kitchen glistening in polished black granite and stainless steel. Jared feels like he walked into a damn furniture catalog shoot.

The television is huge, hanging on the wall over a cabinet full of neatly organized electronics. The large chocolate leather sofa is flanked by two oversized armchairs, one floral, one striped. Both as big as Jared’s small bathroom.

That inadequate feeling is back in spades. A flush heats Jared’s face. He remembers, suddenly, how Jensen had told him not to worry about the call costing him too much the first time they ever spoke. When Jensen had phoned the sex line. _I have money_. Okey doke. Understatement.

A hand grips his arm. “Jared. Have you eaten?”

“No. I … I wanted to say I’m sorry.”

Jensen smiles at him. A full on, not shy, happy smile. Jared can’t help his own grin in response as Jensen says, “Apology accepted. Even though you did nothing wrong. Come. Sit, I’ll fix you something.”

Jared’s stomach picks that moment to agree. Loudly. It is after nine and he hasn’t eaten since lunch. Jensen’s smile gets broader at the gurgle. “I have leftover lasagna.”

“What? Yeah?” Jared follows Jensen into the shiny model kitchen like a puppy and watches him open a refrigerator that belongs in a restaurant. Jared is amazed at how much food is in it. Jensen couldn’t possibly eat all that and still be so slim. Except as Jared peers over Jensen’s shoulder he sees how healthy it all is. It’s like the stuff they sell in his organic grocery store.

Jensen pops a square lidded plastic container out along with a bowl-shaped one. “Leftover salad,” he explains, handing the round one over. Jared merely nods.

Five minutes later he’s sitting at Jensen’s gleaming, dark wood table. It’s round with a pedestal base. There’s exquisite-tasting food served on really nice fucking dishes, sitting atop a honey colored round straw mat. An honest-to-god cloth napkin is on his lap. And Jared thinks he’s fallen in love with freakin’ Martha Stewart. And then he pauses. Because. What did he just think?!

“Best I could do on short notice,” Jensen says.

Jared tries not to cough back up the homemade iced tea he just sipped. “Dude. This is the nicest food I’ve had in months. Better than what we ate when we ate out. Better than anything I can remember outside of my momma’s barbeque.”

Jensen blushes. The freckles glow and Jared tries not to melt into a puddle. “Told you I like cooking.”

Yep. Jensen had told him that. Jared didn’t mind cooking himself. It could be relaxing. Just that there never was enough food in the apartment to make anything decent. Let alone as amazing as this.

“I like lasagna.”

Jensen eyes the plate that Jared has pretty much licked clean and grins. “I can tell.”

Jared meets his eyes. “Hey. I was hungry.”

“You’re always hungry.”

Jensen had him there. But now, appetite sated, Jared’s nerves kick in. “Jen … Did I intrude? Once I said what I wanted to say … I could have—“

“Don’t be silly. I had plenty. I’m glad you enjoyed it.”

“What were you watching?” Jared asks chin pointing toward the now shut TV.

“Nothin’. Was flipping stations.”

Jared doesn’t say anything but takes his plate to the sink and washes it quickly. Jensen is watching him from the other side of the counter. Jared dries his hand on a towel hanging neatly from the rectangular door pull beneath the sink. He turns and stuffs his hands in his jeans pockets, suddenly unsure of what the next move is. He should leave. Go home. He has classes tomorrow.

Jensen removes his glasses and rubs the bridge of his nose. As if magnetic, Jensen’s incredible green eyes draw him in.

Jared doesn’t remember moving closer or raising his hand until he feels the prickly roughness of Jensen’s stubbled cheek under his fingertips. He gazes at indecently plump lips. “Please,” he begs as he starts to tilt his head down.

Jensen nods and lets his eyes close. Jared absorbs the way Jensen’s lashes fan out against his cheek, a dark feathery whisper. Their lips meet and that heat soaks into Jared again. From his mouth, down his throat, firing his lungs, expanding his heart. A breath later the soft wet tip of Jensen’s tongue runs along the seam of Jared’s lips. It retreats quickly but Jared still feels the touch like a burn. He does the same thing. Licks just a little at the fullness of Jensen’s lower lip, tasting him with a kitten nip.

Jared feels desire spark deep in his belly. Jensen reaches out again with his tongue, running it slowly along Jared’s slightly open lips, first the bottom, then the top, then a thin stripe back along the bottom before bringing his teeth together to gather the soft flesh in the gentlest of bites. Jared’s been sexually active since he was sixteen years old. And this is the most sensuous experience of his life so far. Jared’s erection is straining now, nearly painful in his jeans. But he ignores it, concentrates on the feelings Jensen is igniting inside him. Because Jared knows sex. And this isn’t it. This is new and pure and so much more.

Fingers tangle in his hair, small pulls and soft caresses against the back of his head, grazing his shoulders, kneading slightly as if to test the muscles beneath. His own hands have stayed on Jensen’s face, holding gently, fingers tingling against the soft hairs on the sides. Jared rests his forehead against Jensen’s, air moving back and forth between them as if they need each other’s lungs to breathe.

Jared reaches out with his lips again to meet Jensen’s just as Jensen pulls him in closer and suddenly it’s not just their mouths touching but their entire bodies. Jared moans hoarsely and parts his lips in invitation. Jensen hovers a second longer, tongue playing with Jared’s in a soft dance. Then Jared’s being kissed. Thoroughly. Completely. Irresistibly. Mouths melding and dissolving together and tongues probing firm and sure. Exploring like every millimeter is precious. Jensen’s hands are clutched around Jared’s back now and Jared’s fingers have moved lower, drawing Jensen closer until their hips are undulating in a persistent wave. He has only one direction. Closer.

It’s so hot. So good. Scorching and probing and explosive. Friction clawing at him like the scratch to a mad itch. Like a balm pouring over his soul. He’s inhaling and devouring and he still can’t get close enough. Jensen’s lips are ghosting over Jared’s face now, tender baby kisses that leave small explosions behind, skin tingling as if every atom is charged. Hot air on his ear, tongue dipping inside and the molten jolt leaves him breathless. He hisses Jensen’s name as his hips jerk up and pound against the hard curve of Jensen’s cock. Jensen whispers ”Jared” once before reclaiming his mouth, sucking him in, tangling possessively. It’s gentle and punishing at once. He’s claiming and being taken and drowning.

Jared’s hips are humping uncontrollably now, pistoning hard in search of sweet release. Wildfire and salvation rolled into one. He’s praying as he murmurs Jensen’s name repeatedly into parted lips. Jensen thrusts against him, burying his face in the crux of Jared’s shoulder, blisteringly hot upon contact, falling into his flesh and then seeking a wide open-mouthed kiss as Jensen’s entire body shudders once. Twice. Jared moans loudly at hearing the shattered whimper escape Jensen’s clenched throat and then he’s _there_. White hot pleasure sizzles through Jared, a rocket flare torching his skin until his body feels like liquid, like he’s about to dissolve into the man falling into him as if they are one.

Jared gasps in air and angles his head down to meet Jensen’s lips once more, slow and sweet, tasting Jensen’s heartbeat as it flits through his breath. Jared doesn’t know how long they sway into each other, kissing languidly like children eating ice cream cones on the hottest summer day. Air is slowly reaching his brain. Shooting silly things like thoughts and awareness of bodily sensations. The stickiness in his jeans registers first.

Pulling back, Jared looks down as if he really needs to see evidence of the wet spot to make sense of the oddness. He fastens wide eyes back on Jensen’s face, twists his mouth in a wry smile.

“So. That happened.”

Jensen drops his head, but not before Jared makes out the deep red blush. He tilts Jensen’s head back up with a finger to his chin. A slightly hysterical laugh escapes. “Holy shit, Jen. You just made me come with a kiss.”

This has never happened to him before. Not like that. Full on sex hasn’t felt so fucking good. He knows he’s staring like a loon but he can’t help himself. Jensen is looking at him questioningly. He’s still flustered and clearly embarrassed and probably still partially turned on like Jared is himself. Jensen narrows his eyes slightly and tilts his head as if making a decision. “I like kissing.”

Jared lets out a huff and bites his lip hard not to crack up. “Yeah. I … can tell. That. Was amazing.” Standing is getting harder so Jared pulls Jensen with him to the sofa. He should wash up but that can wait. An orgasm as good as that deserves a good cuddle. He pulls Jensen against him and leans in for another feather soft kiss. Jensen chases the taste of him in the same whisper pace as before. It’s intoxicating.

Jensen finally sighs against him. “I knew it could … just nobody ever let me … “

Jared tightens his grip and buries his nose in Jensen’s soft hair. Vanilla. Way better than the cheap fruity stuff Jared uses. At the silence Jared prods gently. “Nobody let you what, Jen?” Even as he’s asking he doesn’t like the phrase. Doesn’t like the idea of someone ‘letting’ Jensen do anything.

“Nothing. It’s nothing.” Jensen meets Jared’s eyes head on, something close to defiant firing their depths. “That felt good.”

Jared smiles. “That felt very, very good.”

The twinkle returns to Jensen’s eyes. He leans against Jared again and Jared runs his fingers absently up and down the soft hairs on Jensen’s arm.

“Jen? Tell me about your first kiss, would you?”

There’s a moment of hesitation but then Jensen begins. “It was a girl. She was older.”

“Yeah? An older woman?” Jared keeps his voice bright even though he knows nothing about this conversation is light.

“I was fifteen. Was working on my first masters.” Jared has nothing to possibly say to that. At fifteen he was practically still figuring out how to walk and chew gum at the same time. “She was an undergrad. A junior. At f-first she was like everyone else.” Jared didn’t ask what that meant. It couldn’t be good. He just squeezed tighter. “Then she took pity, I guess, on the shy virgin.”

“Was she your first everything?”

Jensen nods and keeps his head down. “Pity fuck,” he says softly. “Of course, it’s not like I wasn’t using her, too. I knew by then that I liked guys. Knew what got me hotter. But nobody wanted jailbait, you know. Only reason she did was she was stoned and I was there.”

Jared treads carefully. “Jen, weren’t there any kids your age you could hang out with? Of course you couldn’t be expected to date twenty-year olds.”

Jensen meets his eyes then. His look seems resigned. “I told you my dad tried. He did. Looked into clubs and sports leagues. It’s just. School took so much of my time and I didn’t have anything to talk about with high school kids. Nothing to connect me aside from movies and books. But the other geeks … they … had each other. Been friends all through school. Saw each other every day.”

Jared remembers his high school years. He’d played basketball. Truthfully he’d been pretty popular. Always had a circle of friends around him. He knows others were lonelier but eventually they found each other and so everyone had someone. He swallows down a lump. Everyone except this remarkable man who was just too smart.

“Really, I just wanted to kiss. That’s why I let Janie … “

Jared is suddenly alarmed. “Did … did she do more than you wanted. More than you were ready for?”

“No. It’s not like that. She didn’t force me … I just … once we got going and I saw what she was offering, I thought, why not? It wasn’t perfect but it’s not like anyone else wanted me. It’s just that at first, really that’s what I wondered about. Kissing. It’s what you see, you know, in the moves. Like when Han kisses Leia. And it was something I remembered … a-about my mom.”

Jensen had told Jared that his mother was dead. That she’d died when he was young. “You remember your mom kissing you?”

“Yes. But that’s not what I mean. I remember her kissing my dad. I shouldn’t have been watching and after a few minutes they caught me and laughed and put me back to bed. That’s all I saw. Not like I caught them doing anything. Just they were sitting and kissing and she had this huge smile when she put me to bed. And … I guess I wanted that.”

Jared kisses Jensen again. Twists Jensen to lie partially atop him and resists the urge to thrust up against him, just lets Jensen meld their mouths together. Follows as Jensen leads, tracing around his face, until like a heat seeking missile he returns to Jared’s parted lips. It’s soft and tender and deep. Jared’s never been kissed like this before and thinks that after this he will never want to kiss anyone else ever again.

Jensen raises himself a little and offers Jared a dazzling smile. He’s lit from within and Jared wants to be the one to put that look on Jensen’s face always. Jared closes his eyes with a long blink because it’s just too much. Too soon, and he doesn’t know how to process everything he’s feeling.

“Wanna watch TV?” Jensen asks. Jared nods because they could use the distraction. He knows it’s too early to blurt out feelings he can’t even fully define yet.

Talking heads come on opining about recent events. Something Middle East-related that Jared barely hears until he sees Jen nod his head and say, “That’s not Bahrain.”

The TV continues in the background but Jared is still mesmerized in playing his fingers up and down Jensen’s well-defined arms. Jensen turns back to him. “You know I researched it some.”

Jared is confused. “The Middle East?”

Jensen frowns at him. “What? No. That nitwit didn’t even know the name of the country on the map behind him. That’s not … I meant kissing.”

“Researched how? You mean with people other than Janie?”

“No. It’s just … well, there’s a formula for the perfect kiss.”

Now Jared’s curiosity is piqued. “A formula?”

“Um … F times T plus C, minus L, divided by S.”

Jared leans in. “I think I need a further explanation.”

Jensen nips at his lower lip. “Well, F is for feel.” At that he rubs his lips dreamily slow against Jared’s. “T and C are for technique and confidence.” Jensen’s tongue runs playfully over Jared’s lower lip until he slips inside in a slow inner caress. He inhales air and drifts infinitesimally away. “L is lip texture.” Jensen uses the tip of his tongue to moisten Jared’s lips again with tiny darts. “And S is for sensitivity.” Teeth bite down gently on Jared’s lower lip in a slow tug which draws out an inadvertent moan from Jared. Oh God. He’s fully hard in his jeans again and if he doesn’t get out of here soon no self-discipline is going to keep him from ravaging Jensen right here on his plush leather couch.

“You’re amazing,” Jared says for the second time that night. “Is one of your doctorates in kissing?”

Jensen smiles shyly at this. “I just like it,” he shrugs. “But I get that for most guys, well, it’s not … it’s just a means, I guess.”

Jensen’s eyes have dimmed. Jared feels the elephant in the room. Jensen shared about this woman in his past. But that’s not what just squelched Jensen’s fire. “Jen. I don’t know how your past relationships with men went. But, I like kissing, too. We can do that. I don’t need anything else right now. Really. As slow as you want. Okay?”

“Teenage girls like to make out.”

Something about Jensen’s tone makes Jared realize that this is something Jensen was once told. “Teenage girls and me,” he replies, trying to tease the mood back to playful. But Jensen turns inward, eyes no longer meeting Jared’s.

“Jared. I … want to please you. I do. It’s j-just I have to be careful. I pr-promised I would be.”

“Promised?”

“My Dad. He worries.”

“Jen, it’s not about pleasing me. It’s about pleasing each other. Like before.” Jared’s face reddens slightly. The come is still drying inside his briefs.

“Yeah, that was good. The way you let me—“

“I didn’t ‘let you’ anything. Didn’t you want what happened earlier?”

“Yes. That’s not. I know you’re not like … “

“Like who?”

Jensen sits up. “I .. can’t. M-maybe you should go.”

Jared feels like he’s on a bridge. Only it’s collapsing behind him and he needs Jensen to let him across before it dissolves underneath him. “Jen. I like you. More than I can say right now. I meant what I said, slow is fine. I’m in no rush. What happened before was amazing. Not gonna get tired of that. You’ve said before that you tried dating. That it didn’t go well. I’m here to listen if you want to talk. If you don’t, that’s okay, too.”

Jensen hesitates and Jared can see him gather himself before he speaks. “It’s just that my dad. He’s going to … it’s been almost ten years since Neil ... But I can still see how scared Dad gets when I say I’m meeting someone. Not that it happens much. But I’ve tried again. Guys take one look at me and it doesn’t last long. Too weird. They don’t always say it to my face, but that’s usually it. The only one that didn’t think that was Neil and that ended up ...”

_Neil_. Now Jared has a name to hate. He waits. Isn’t sure how much more Jensen will share tonight.

Jared is surprised when Jensen begins anew. “I was nineteen when we met.”

That sentence is innocuous and should end with nothing more than fumbled blow jobs but Jared’s hackles start to rise. “How old was he?”

Jensen fidgets on the sofa, tucking one foot beneath his thigh. Jared thinks maybe the conversation is over but then Jensen blurts out, “He was … older.”

“How much older?” Jared knows pushing isn’t the safest course but he can’t keep flying blind.

“Th-thirty-one. He worked in the university. Brilliant. Not like me, but closer than anyone I’d ever met. I thought he was the best looking man I’d ever seen. He was my height. Built broader than I was then. I’ve tried to bulk up some since. And I couldn’t believe he was paying me the slightest attention. Before him I’d dated one other guy. A geek like me who was trying to figure out if he was gay or bi or what. Maybe he was asexual? Who knows? Didn’t really click. But this … man … wanting me. Seemed unbelievable. All I wanted was to please him. I tried so hard. It … took over.”

Jared tries to understand. To hear what’s not being said. This is the second time Jensen has mentioned ‘pleasing’ in that way. Jared’s been around the block a whole bunch. Meeting men has always come easy to him. And his job on the phone sex line had its ‘educational’ moments. Playing the role of the one in charge … and the one being controlled. But it had been only words, not attached to real feelings. In real life, Jared’s preferred more balanced relationships.

Jared speaks softly. “Jensen, did this guy enjoy telling you what to do?”

“I thought I loved him. I thought love meant pleasing your lover.”

“I’m not judging you. It’s just … some guys get off on the power.”

“I know that. That’s why when he started suggesting things I … went along.” Jensen squirms further away from Jared, tucking himself in the far corner of the sofa. He’s hugging his arms around his knees. “Years of trying to fit in, it made me pliable. It’s all I knew, going along to be accepted. And at first it wasn’t such a big deal. You know, it’s not like I was gonna stay a virgin forever.”

Jared listens but his heart is aching. He remembers every bastard on the phone that liked to dominate, take control, the things they asked, the words they wanted to hear. He keeps his voice low, “Jen, did he hurt you?”

Jensen lets out a mocking soft laugh that’s so bitter it makes Jared recoil slightly. “It’s all about the burn, he’d say. But then … he’d … it’s not like he’d forget about me … I mean, he’d make sure I … “

Jared nods into the lingering silence. Jensen isn’t looking at him but Jared thinks maybe he realizes that Jared understands.

“Anyway, like you said,” Jensen continues. “Some guys get off on the power. That was Neil. Soon just going along wasn’t enough. He wanted it rougher. Wanted me to struggle. That’s not – that’s not who I am. So he pushed. Made it so I had to fight back.” Jared’s surprised when Jensen’s eyes meet his again. They are steady and bright. And filled with angry hurt. “I just turned twenty. Still not fucking old enough to buy my own beer. I had just earned my second doctorate degree and my dad found me handcuffed to my damned bed, bleeding. He … it nearly killed him. All his life he looked out for me. He distrusted Neil, always had. But I was an idiot and thought I loved him and by the time I realized how fucked up things were I didn’t know how—I never wanted my dad to find out. Probably saved my fucking life but it was still one of the worst nights of my life when he found me.”

Jared swallows down the bile that comes from the visual he’s just gotten. He smothers his instant hatred toward the man who hurt Jensen like that, fights to stay calm and not freak out Jensen even more. He latches onto the obvious because it’s easier than thinking. “That’s why you hesitated telling your dad you were dating someone?”

Jensen nods. “It’s why I live as I do, Jay. I have to be careful, like my father says. It’s safer staying here. Working from home. On my own. So no matter what I—it’s b-better th-that way.” Jensen takes a deep breath and suddenly locks eyes with Jared’s. “But you … you’re different. You deserve someone stronger. Not someone that would ever have allowed … Someone confident and sure. More like you. I—I would understand.”

Sinking into his side of the couch Jared gets a horrifying thought. He knows that he can come on strong, that he has a pushy side. Forced the issue of meeting Jensen in person by just showing up at his favorite coffee shop. Fuck, he burst in on him just tonight.

But Jared also knows that the man that captured his heart with nothing more than his teasing voice on the phone is hardly a pushover. Jensen believes he’s not strong. Worse, that he’s weak and therefore maybe threatened by Jared. Except. That’s so not true. And Jared’s not even sure if Jensen really thinks these things about himself or if he’s too caught up in seeing himself as his dad does.

Jared’s been quiet too long and Jensen looks down, eyes shuttered. Jared shifts closer again and brings his hand over Jensen’s and squeezes for a moment. He loosens his grip to let go but Jensen holds him back. There’s something about that small gesture that gives him hope. He knows he’s nothing like Neil but things are turning in his mind. The phone call during their dinner date from Jensen’s father. Jensen’s skittishness, uncertainty. Jared’s _profession_ when they’d met. He hates having to ask. But he has to know.

“Jen?” Jensen tilts his head toward him. Fingers entwined, Jared meets Jensen’s eyes. “Have I been too pushy, too forceful? Have I come on too strong? Are you scared of me?”

They’ve started to know each other. They’ve gotten close. And if Jensen is afraid of him then Jared doesn’t really know what else he can do. Because Jensen isn’t wrong, some of that is just who Jared is.

“No.” Jared tightens his grip, heart leaping at the single word.

“Good,” Jared says on a released breath because it’s a huge start. “I know I can get pushy. So let’s try this … I won’t tell you what to do. You won’t tell me what to do. We’ll just ask. Which is what I’m doing, because what I want most of all – is a chance with you. If … you want that, too?”

Jared can practically see the doubts swirl behind Jensen’s beautiful eyes. He wonders what voices Jensen is hearing telling him to not trust, to stay hidden and safe. All Jared can do is wait and show wordlessly how much he wants this. Wants them. But if Jensen can’t overcome his fears then they won’t have a future together. And even though this shouldn’t matter so much after one date. It does.

The TV is droning softly in the background. More white noise to drown out the pounding in his veins.

“Okay.” The word, when spoken, is absolutely clear and Jared has to fight to keep his smile from imploding.

And then those eyes Jared swears he can drown in narrow slightly in resolve. “I want us to try.” Jensen smiles. His eyes say so much more than his words and Jared lets the brilliance of that look radiate through him.

Jensen shifts closer and swipes a strand of Jared’s hair back from his forehead in a gesture steeped with comfortable intimacy. Jared’s heart pumps double time. He wants to say ‘thank you’ to Jensen or to God or to Cupid himself. He wants to savor the feeling of completeness and never move from this position. He wants to wrap Jensen in a body-hugging embrace and promise to never hurt him.

Finally, Jared leans forward to prompt another lingering kiss. “You know, I’m a slow learner. Could you run that formula by me again?”

**_fin_ **

**Author's Note:**

> Beta: borgmama1of5 on LiveJournal


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